It dawned on me this week that this little thing we call the Internet is not going away anytime soon. For years I have thought the world wide web would just be a passing phase- you know, like neopets or myspace. I figured that like most of my useless ex boyfriends, he would burst into starry existence, demand a lot of attention, and then slowly fade out of my life. Yet somehow, years later, he's still around and he shows no signs of peacing out. THEREFORE... if we are to all continue using this very informative guy, it is important we all get on the same page. I have made a list of 21 simple rules that we all must follow to keep our sanity around this place. I am designating myself the Internet police and these are the official laws of the Internet. Watch yourself or you might just get an Internet citation!
1.
When using facebook it is not okay to:
a. Leave a status like "Wow. I can not believe that just happened. I'm so bummed." We all know this as a simple
CRY FOR ATTENTION. If you need attention call your mom, call your boyfriend, call your besties, but don't just throw it out there for 500+ "friends" hoping someone catches the bait. There is always some kind soul who replied, "Oh dearie, I'm so sorry, what happened?" and then all of us have to be eyewitnesses to the awkward fb conversation about how your boss chewed you out yada, yada, yada.
b. Write incessant love messages on the wall of your significant other. That is what
text messages are for. The general population does not want to hear your pet names, your countless "I love yous" nor do we care that Brad is "The best guy that ever existed!!!! I'm so lucky I found him!!! There is seriously no guy like him in the world!!!" We all think that about our husbands, honey. That's why we married them.
c. Have a facebook account for two people. It's called facebook not facesbook. We're all happy you found your soulmate and that you have so much in common, but let's not forget that we all have our own separate identities and that uniqueness should be celebrated. There's no use to get a joint account and confuse the crap out of all of us.
d. Like your own statuses. Nuff said.
2.
If you are a mother/aunt/grandmother/of the older generation and using facebook it is not okay to:
- Leave countless comments on your child's facebook wall. You can be their "friend", that's all swell and dandy, but stop tagging them in photos, stop telling them they're beautiful online, and stop asking about all their other friends. It's time to officially cut that umbilical cord, lady, and the first step is facebook!
3. Moustaches are strictly prohibited from the Internet. No one is allowed to post pictures with fake moustaches, use the ubiquitous "I moustache you a question" or wear moustache paraphernalia. It's not cute, and as I am the Internet chief of police here, I am really going to come down hard on this one.
4. This one might hurt some of your feelings, but I feel like it needs to be addressed, and I'm going to try to be gentle. What is with the word "Amazeballs"? I have never heard anyone say this in real life, and I'm pretty sure if they did I would just give them a weird look and walk away. This word has been practically taking over the blogosphere. I don't care if one or two bloggers say something kind of weird, but when everybody starts doing it I get confused. Who made up this word? Where did it come from? Is it supposed to be a dirty slang word? Please explain and then please stop using this. And please still love me because I don't like this word.
5. On the Internet, you are not allowed to write in white with a black background. You are also not allowed to write in neon colors. People! MY EYES! MY EYES! PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON MY EYES!
6. You may talk about your dog or your cat or other pet but it has a
very short time limit. Us Internet mortals can only tolerate so much gushing about an animal that we will never meet nor care to. 20% of what you say online can be about your pet. I hate to say it, but their is a similar rule for your
kids. You must talk about something besides your children to ensure us that you have your own personality outside of your children. Roughly 60% of what you say online can be about your kids. Same goes for your
husband. Please refer to item 1c.
6. If you do not like somebody's blog, don't return to it. Simple as that. When I don't like a pizza place, I don't go back, when I don't like a store I don't go back, and when I don't like the 7 foot hairy man who gives me a painful massage, I don't go back. Same with the Internet. There is no reason to post negative comments on the blog, facebook page, forum, etc. No need to call people liars or insult them by likening them to "bean paste" (Yes this was a real comment I received on
this article.) Just go to a different site. No harm no foul. For more information on how humans must learn to be nice all the time, even on the Internet you can
read up here.
8. You are not allowed to take pictures of your food and post them all over your instagram, twitter and facebook accounts. It's food. We all eat it every day. If it is special,delicious food like Crab legs then it is okay to post it
once. If you post food pictures more than once a week, you will receive a citation from the Internet police.
9. Boys: You are allowed up to six pictures with your shirt off on your facebook account/ Instagram accounts. Any more than that and we will all see you for what you really are: a narcissistic pig and you will be disallowed further Internet use.
10. Girls: You are allowed no pictures with your shirt off. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it goes.
11. Human population: You are allowed only up to three pictures that you have taken of yourself with your arm stretched out and smiling in front of the camera. More than that and we'll punch that narcissist stamp on you and throw you right out of the Internet.
12. No one is allowed to "spoil" a movie, book, or television series without first putting the words "Spoiler Alert." Once those words are in place, you can say anything you want but ONLY if and when those word are in place. Otherwise, we will stone you.
13. If there has been something massive and nationwide on television like the super bowl, the Olympics, or the bachelorette finale, you do not have to write "spoiler alert." We will all assume that if people cared they would have watched it or else avoided the Internet until they have done so. These people are not allowed to get mad at people for "spoiling" it for them by saying "I'm so glad the Cowboys won!" the day after the Superbowl. I'm sorry, but some things you just have to be responsible for watching on your own or else face the reality that it will be spoiled for you.
14. There are to be no word verifications ever again. EVER. If you are caught with a blog or website that has a word verification, you will be kicked off the Internet for ONE YEAR and your site will be deleted. The two spam comments that you get a week are not enough of an inconvience to justify you making EVERY SINGLE PERSON that comments fill out a word verification. I feel very strongly about this one. Don't test me!
15. No talking about your poo on the Internet. I don't care if it's a joke you're playing on your roommate because he left his facebook open on your computer. It's nasty.
16. You are allowed only one emoticon per post/status/tweet. (The same applies to text messages.) I think we all know that it's just creepy when we read a post like this: A pretty good day all things considered! :) I got roses :) And an A on my test :) The only thing bad is I broke my arm :( But it's all good because now I don't have to go to school for a week :) :) :) :) :)
17. You are never ever ever ever ever EVER allowed to type like this:
I lOvE iT wHeN mY LeTtErS ArE aLl DiFfFeReNt SiZeS bEcAuSe It MaKeS iT sO hArD fOr EvErYoNe tO rEaD aNd I jUsT kNoW iT hUrTs ThEiR eYeS aNd kNoWiNg OtHeR pEoPlE aRe In PaIn TrUlY BrInGs mE jOy!!!!!!!!!
18. You must use exclamation marks in moderation. There is no set rule, you just need to know that if you use too many like "Oh my gosh girl! You are hilarious!!!! I freaking love you!! Let's go to the mall!!!!" that your Internet privileges will be revoked for an undetermined amout of time. Use your judgment on this one. Please.
19. I'm sorry, but you are not allowed to complain about your marriage or your boyfriend or your irresponsible mother on the Internet. If you have relationship issues in your life, I suggest talking to that person or taking it up with a professional. AKA a counsellor. Airing your grievances out facebook style is not the way to go.
20. We only care what you wore if it's actually cute. I know it's hard to hear, but if you don't regularly get real life compliments on your outfits, you probably shouldn't start posting them for the whole world to see.
21. We will forgive the occasional misspelling of their/there/they're or too/two or you/your/you're, BUT if you are doing this regularly we are all going to think you're dumb. This is elementary spelling and I know for a fact that there are teachers out there who work very hard to drum this into the brains of our youth. If you mess up on a simple rule like this more than three times, you must come to five 90 minute sessions of my Language Arts class before you are allowed to use the Internet again. The class costs $100 per session.
NOW that we are all caught up on the 21 basic rules of Internet use, go ahead! Use away! Get on that Internet and do your tweeting/blogging/youtubing/stalking old boyfriends. I support you whole heartedly! Just know that I will be watching like a hawk for any infractions. Use the Internet carefully my friends, and live in fear.
(Do you agree with these rules? If so, I ask that you would kindly post the rules on your facebook, twitter, or pinterest account. If we want the whole world to follow these rules, we've got to make sure the whole world sees them!)
